a medley

lonely, i am so lonely; where is the love, the love?; i'll be loving you, love me; that's all i ask of you

me, the troublemaker

And so it is. I've been indirectly deemed a troublemaker. =(

Am I unreasonable, not understanding, a lousy bf?

I promised to communicate better, and that was precisely what I was doing. But it now seems like a wrong move.

I merely wanted to talk things out and understand why. Shouldn't I at least know why you could not meet me? Isn't it part of the communication aspect of every relationship? Shouldn't wanting to spend time with each other in a relationship be a given? How was I to know? If I were in your shoes perhaps I would have worked things out differently, but I must remember that that's me. So how was I to know? You say that you should not need to explain the rationale out. Yea I do trust you, but the question here is not about trust anymore. You ask if i feel short-changed. I never felt that way. How do you quantify such things? Love is not a transaction, to me.

It's my fault. For wanting to spend time with you. We really are not spending much quality time together, are we? I don't know anymore. It's my fault. For being dependent. Arn't couples supposed to be dependent on each other in a relationship? I love you, and i miss you. It's my fault.

You make it seem that I was not understanding about you being tired. You've known me for 3years now. Do you really think I'm insensitive? Now, i know. You said you now realise that you were a troublemaker for your ex. So now I'm a troublemaker for you. It doesn't feel good to be compared with an ex. It so doesn't. =(

You don't see it, do you? You just don't.
It's not you wanting your way, it's me. It's not me putting the blame on you, its you on me. So its not you being demanding, it's me. It's me. You have chosen a lousy bf.

I am a troublemaker, that's what I am. I'm the one always having problems with you, not you with me. YES, I agree with you. I am purposely creating trouble for you. I have too much time and love on my hand that I don't know what to do with it, so I stir shit. YES, I am insensitive and have the wrong concept of what a relationship is about. This is the 3rd time you have raised your voice at me. Good job! This troublemaker needs to be put in his place. I am nothing but trouble-not understanding, not loving, overdemanding, puts myself above others, stress infusing, a bloody bastard. I'm dying inside. I deserve it.

I am a troublemaker. dear, i'm sorry.

in a difficult position

In my continual search for an avenue to confide/let out my feelings too, and not bottle up/ hurt anyone/ be called whiny..welcome to the space which buries my inner thoughts. Never believed in blogs, but alas, I admit defeat..to myself.

29/6

What a morning...
Day started off badly. Puked on an empty stomach =/ Went for driving late but still kenna charged as per norm. The epitome of practicality-both going for driving and being charged usual rate.

Interesting afternoon...
Nevermind being 1/2 hr late, met dearie for lunch =)
Interviewed President Hunter, down-to-earth and welcoming. We will respect ya!
Interviewed David's Prof from TP. Quite quiet I was, feeling well wasn't.

Dilemma evening...
What can i do? Someone honestly please tell me. Am at a lost. Thought we solved the issue. Reached an agreement. Why breach it, ever? ..less than a week. Is this a breach of an innominate term that goes to the root of the contract, allowing one party to terminate it? terminate? contract? what is THE contract? I don't know. Don't wanna know.

Or maybe I do know how to go around it. Just let it be. After all I want you to be happy. Am I happy? To say 'no' would only bring about a predicted ending.
1. You would not go and harbour unhappiness towards me-> black face and negative attitude -> built up -> end.
2. You would 'inform' me of your decision to still go -> neglect my feelings -> turn unhappy when I react adversely -> built up -> end.
3. You would go behind my back -> neglect my feelings -> I built up -> end.

Or I could say 'sure, go ahead', and the end result could perhaps be less hurting..
1. You would go -> You feel happy (which is after all my objective) -> I might feel happy -> we all live happily ever after. Where is my fairy godmother?

Friends seem more important than..nevermind. The fact that you actually considered going, itself says all.

The big question is, why must a relationship require so much effort just to get past the first level of merely not quarreling or perhaps not making either party unhappy? When will we ever get to really developing the real meaning of a relationship? Why can't I have what you lucky fellas out there have? Is it too much to ask?

I love you. 3 simple words that encompass how I feel. 3 simple words that I long for so much.
Guess the answer to my dilemma is obvious- sure, go ahead and enjoy yourself!
Learnt the technique of masking in my current MPW mod. I will succeed.

who killed kenny?
kenny.

..and I've learnt, that love won't wait..now I've learnt, that love needs expression, but I've learnt too late..it cuts like a knife..its out of my hands